2013 has been a complicated year for me. Lot of things happened. Happinesses. Loves. Hates. Sadness. Fights? I don’t know. And everything happens so fast. The moving of the ups and downs are soooo fast!
I moved in to Ambient Digital Indonesia – a digital media company where I work now, from m-Stars – my previous company. Which me and Mom has prayed for a long time. And I know Mom always ask for it on each prayer she made, on each community she joined in on Church – this I know from all her friends who came to the funeral home. All of them were asking, “Have you found another job?” and all I can do was just sit there while nodding my head. And they said, “Thank God, your Mom’s pray has been answered. She must be very happy”
And that’s when this thing came across my mind, “Why do I have to struggling for a better job if my only motivation to have it is gone?” but then I scratch that – I take those words back. This is not what a 23 years old lady must saying. Lot of people out there are jobless and find it hard to have a job. I’m blessed for having this job. I should be thankful.
(End of) November
Mom was fainted. The very first time I saw my Mom fainted. In my arms. That day. Saturday. November 30th. Around 8 AM. That was the first time I can’t even breath properly. My heart beats soooo fast than normally do. Everything’s so blurred. I can’t sit. I can’t eat. I can’t even sleep. I feel like something missing – like someone took half of your soul. I feel so lame.
When she fell asleep, I assured that her tummy moves up and down, then I run to the bathroom. Then I cry silently. Ask for strenght to the Holy Spirit and Jesus Christ. I don’t know why I did it – at that time. But now I know.
I love her. She is the first love of my life. But God has more love than I do that He took her from me cause I can’t make her feel better. I can’t take her pain away. Only God do. I’m good here, Mom. I’ll be your number one girl. Only God knows how much I want to hug you right now. Cuddling with your bouncy tummy and kiss your puffy cheek. Mom, you’re just the best Mom, sister, friend I’ve ever had. I love you. Forever. I miss you so bad. I love you. I’ll be good. I’ll be a good girl. Promise.
[30/12/13 – 10.10 PM]